She would get along swimmingly with my father due to their mutual paranoia and phobias of nearly everything on the planet.
One time, during a storm in Westport, my father and I went shopping at Whole Foods. We parked the car in the empty lot, about fifty feet from the store entrance. As we contemplated when to make the quick dash through the rain, dad turned to me and uttered, without a shred of irony, "watch out, you could get hit by lightning."
If Sonia had been in the car at the time, she would have corroborated the giant threat and added that coyotes had been spotted in Fairfield County over the past few weeks. She would likely have stayed in the car with my father, waxing poetic about the dangers of being outdoors in the rain. During a lull in the conversation, News Radio 880 AM would be turned up.
On Koh Phi Phi island, we go on a snorkeling trip in the middle of the Gulf of Thailand, on a small longboat with a dozen other Westerners and one Thai guide. No one else is around for miles. Sonia refuses to go in the water and risk leaving her bag on board, out of her sight. So when the group goes off in search for stingrays, she stays on board, nervously hugging her bag, searching for Somalian pirates. She really is quite a comedian.
Throughout our trip to Koh Phi Phi, Sonia has enjoyed reminding me that travel guidebooks are massive conspiracies -- all parties are in kahoots and all blurbs are bought. They are just not to be trusted. And anyways, she says, "the best places are always those you stumble upon." And it typically works out well for Sonia, including the time we go to an "Authentic Mexican" joint for dinner one night and she wonders why her pad thai isn't up to snub.
When not channeling my father, Sonia greatly reminds me of the cute son in Jerry Maguire due to her fantastic ability to recite unsolicited trivia/nonsense like:
- "Did you know that it is illegal to show your teeth in passport photos?"
- "Did you know that Red Bull is made from bull urine?"
- "Did you know that in Britain we don't declaw cats?"
- "Did you know that there have only been two reported cases of Japanese Encephalitis in the past twenty years, most of which are due to working in rice paddies?"
When these facts are recited, I typically zone out and ponder how many bug bites I have on my feet.
Helga is a 23-year-old, short-haired blonde from Holland. She speaks English with a heavy Dutch accent and the booming voice of a sports announcer. Helga's voice can be heard by neighboring long boats as we race through the gulf and often makes the introduction before she even enters the room. My nasal, high-pitched speech sounds like a whisper in comparison. Due to her voice and sheer intensity, I would say Helga has a great deal of promise as the future coach of Holland's National Women's Rugby team.
Despite being surrounded by magnificent food as far as the eye can see, Helga has written off Thai food. Not spicy Thai food. Not overly fishy Thai food. Not greasy Thai food. Not Thai street food. All Thai cuisine. She spends her days eating club sandwiches, steaks, and chicken breasts. It would not be unreasonable for one to ponder why she flew all the way to Thailand if she finds the food so unsatisfying. During our conversations, Helga adds that she does not particularly enjoy the fine foods her mom prepares during Christmas and other holidays, preferring instead "lesser meats". Additionally, when I offer to buy Helga a drink at the heavily stocked alcohol corner store, she retorts, "I don't like anything here".
Although I am quite frugal myself, both girls take it to an impressive new level, bartering over 10baht ($0.30) only breaking to consume Sprite like Crystal Meth addicts. Helga and Sonia love making lists despite being on vacation and having completely no responsibilities. An example of such a list would be "Go buy water, go to the ATM, check email, purchase trinkets". I would add "incessantly complain despite being in paradise." Lastly, despite being younger than me, I am quite floored by Sonia and Helga's walking ability, which rivals the speed of a pet rock -- a walk that took me fifteen minutes individually takes well over thirty as a group.
Sonia, Helga, and I meet during our diving certification courses at Big Blue. Despite our differences, we head to Koh Phi Phi together. And as I'm traveling alone, I welcome the company.
Disregard the drunk, neon-painted monsters in the background
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