Prohibition

Ayutthaya, 6/25/11
It's primary election night in Thailand, which means alcohol is prohibited for 24 hours. Trucks customized with large loudspeakers and posters of candidates roam the streets of Ayutthaya loudly announcing stump speeches and scaring stray dogs. The alcohol ban is admirable, presumably maintaining national sobriety so citizens can focus on the issues and make informed decisions.

However, as is typically the case, the prohibition simply promotes Thais to drink more. A few bars are closed, including our hang, Gun Bar, but most defy the ban. Once prohibition goes into effect at 6pm, my bartender grabs my beer bottle and pours it from a frosted glass into an orange paper cup reading "24 Hour Coffee, Lattes, and Cappuccinos." I don't know who they're kidding, especially since the barkeep proudly toasts me with her whiskey & soda. "Chon, chon", she says.

The next bar is even worse, pouring Chang Beer into shallow tea cups. If a cop was passing by, he could identify the liquid from ten feet away. However, the vibe of this new bar is splendid. The establishment is oddly named "Chang's" after the most popular beer in Thailand, as if the owner thought he could separate his bar from the crowd by choosing the name of the most average, widespread beverage in the nation. A 70-something Thai gentleman, resembling a thinner David Crosby but sharing the same gray handlebar mustache, plays guitar and sings Steve Miller and Bob Marley covers. Flemming and I toast with Karli and Matt from Vancouver and the beautiful Emma from Holland who looks like a curvy Bond femme fatale.


The three are hostel buddies the nearby Murdock Thai Hostel, twenty minutes south, and they've brought along the hotel's lovely proprietor, Samsee. The owner's age is not completely clear. She's definitely older than 50, but could easily be 79. Samsee has well-worn, dark brown leathery skin with dramatic crow's feet and four yellow teeth, tops. She puts her arm around us, dancing to "Layla" and clinks beer-filled tea cups. Samsee is delightfully cheerful, thrilled to share the night with a handful of farang. Every time someone utters a joke, she slaps his shoulder, howling "Mai Ben Raih," meaning "nevermind" in Thai. Samsee's other favorite move is to look one of our female companions dead in the eyes, potentially flashing a rogue tooth, and shout, "One more night! One more beer! One more man!" I'm all for women's lib, but Samsee could be supportive of my plight as well.


Samsee's friend/work slave arrives at the bar and seven of us pile into his old, rusted, white Civic and head back to Murdock Thai Hostel. Upon arrival, we share Thai whiskey leftover from last night and all get to know each other better. Samsee leaves briefly at 2am and returns with a giant plate of sweet & sour rice noodles, rich in oyster sauce, soy, sugar, and chilis, which we devour like pigs on a freshly poured trough. Emma (unfortunately) heads to bed early at 2:30 and is replaced briefly by a forty-something, balding, rotund Finnish man and his Thai girlfriend, who is roughly 20. Mr. Finland keeps putting his arm around his purchase, who reciprocates with cold death stares as she intensely text messages her friends, her angry face illuminated by the phone's glow. Finny proudly tells us that Thailand is his favorite vacation destination, arriving at least twice a year, last in December 2010. He clearly stays in Ayutthaya to not be noticed, although I'm sure his physician does.

When the happy couple leaves, Samsee informs us that Mr. Finland has been staying at her hostel for twelve days and this young girl is his seventh. According to Samsee, his tastes have been getting increasingly more discriminating over the week and the price tags have fluctuated accordingly. This particular girl is roughly the equivalent of my Advanced Scuba certification. At least when I paid that much people smiled and talked to me. But to this young Thai girl, emotion is attachment's bedfellow. So she sits there texting her friends, dreaming of better times and more attractive men, silently repeating Samsee's mantra, "One more night! One more beer! One more man!"

Float On

Ayutthaya, 6/25/11

It's day two in Ayutthaya. Alesh is gone, Flemming has a different itinerary, so it's just my bike and I.

I finish the full tour of all the major wats (temples), including Wat Maheyong and the stunning Wat Phanan-Choeng, home to a massive three-story gold sitting Buddha. There is a long line to get in and once through, I'm sitting among hundreds of Buddhists, who bow in prayer and pass gold silk sheets forward to help dress the statue. To the left, two dozen monks pray, wearing outfits out of the same gold material. According to the guide books, this is the largest Buddha in Thailand, created in 1324 yet it shines like new. It's said that when the Burmese sacked Ayutthaya in 1767, this Buddha formed tears.

Wat Yai Chaiyamongkhon is one of the only operational temples in the city. The buildings are much newer and all the Buddhas retain their heads and right arms. It's one of the busiest temples in Ayutthaya. The centerpiece of the temple grounds are large chedis wrapped in saffron rings, which also adorn the nearby fully realized Buddha statues. The faithful beside me purchase gold leaf to decorate the statues throughout the campus. In the largest chedi, 100 stairs up, visitors drop coins down a deep well, hoping to land in a 1 ft x 1 ft box.

I'm hungry after the bike tour which is good since I'm right next door to the Chao Phrom Floating Market, a sprawling collection of stalls and dining halls pitched on an offshoot of the Pa Sak River. The market is predominantly clothes, sunglasses, handbags, and cosmetics plus endless food options. The amount of sweets in this market is particularly notable -- vendors sell custard-filled rolls, sesame candy, brioche, ice cream, caramels, peanut crisps, cakes, cookies, muffins. The nearby savory stalls sell bamboo soup, fried preserved eggs, salt-crusted river fish, fried fish skin chips, chilis, taro and banana chips, hot dogs, odd crepes that are peeled to look like dental floss or household insulation, blue crabs, prawns, and the usual curries, stir fries, skewers, noodles, fish cakes, pork balls, dumplings, and rice dishes. Nearly all the cooking -- wok stirring, deep frying, charcoal grilling -- is performed on small boats drifting in the river bank, held on with small ropes. Everything has free samples and, as the lone foreigner here, I'm greeted with smiles and open arms. I cool off with a shaved ice, condensed milk flavor, topped with fresh strawberries, while locals walk beside me, arms loaded to the biceps with bags of snacks. From the bridge, I can see nearby mahouts offering elephant rides, the snake farm, and the goat petting zoo.

Snout's up

As planned, Flemming an I meet up at Stiky's Burger at 8pm (actually 15 minutes early). Unfortunately, despite waiting for thirty minutes, Stiky never shows. This is quite sad as we wanted to see our new Thai friend again and try Ayutthaya's premiere burger. We head back to Malakor again. This time there is one other group, but I think they're friends with the lone owner/chef/waiter, who looks like a samurai warrior with a long, jet black ponytail. We share their signature river fish soup, which is spicy, bright, with a pronounced citrus flavor. Mixed with the light broth are large pieces of the local freshwater fish, tomatoes, onions, scallions, lemongrass, and galangal. Continuing our seafood binge, the main course is a whole river fish steamed in fresh lime juice with chilis, served alongside jasmine rice. The fish is beyond light and moist and we're told it just arrived this morning. The whole meal with two large Changs and tip is 400Baht ($12).

Harmony and Hamburgers

Ayutthaya, 6/24/11

I meet Flemming while we are both lounging at Tony's Place's airy foyer drinking Chang out of tall frosted glasses. He is a tall, blond 25-year old Dane who wears geometric black framed glasses and studied business. Flemming introduces himself while I am relaxing and getting serenaded by the hostel's brilliantly terrible resident Thai lounge singer. Tonight he's covering all of Elton John's hits. His version of Elton's "Harmony" is a terrifically and unintentionally ironic.

Post-concert, Flemming and I hit the night market a few blocks away, which spans for about 200 meters. We pick up a quick snack of Som Tom, quite savory this time with plenty of fish sauce, and then head over to Malakor for dinner. The restaurant overlooks Wat Ratchaburana, which is basked in a golden light at nighttime. We sit on Malakor's teak porch, the only patrons of the restaurant. Flemming continues to drink and, as they are out of their signature soup, I order a green curry chicken fried rice. It looks like a pedestrian fried rice, but has been cooked with green curry broth instead of water, so it packs a pungent, herbal, spicy, coconutty surprise punch.

We miander back to our guest house, whose bar at 10pm is only 20% full. The nearby hostels follow suit so we decide to take a walk around the area looking for more lively establishments. We stumble upon "Gun Bar", an open-air, narrow watering hole filled exclusively with Thai locals and one gigantic golden retriever whose father was likely a grizzly bear. Retriever-bear is so excited to meet caucasians that he follows us all night.

As we drink our Chang's, we're greeted by a gregarious barman who, upon hearing I'm from New York, grabs a photo album from beneath the bar to show me images from his family's 1992 Manhattan vacation. "Sad about the Twin Towers" he says in broken English.

As we near the end of out beers, a trio of twentysomething Thais call us over to join them at their table. In the center of the table is Stiky, the sole female, English speaker, and clear queen bee. She is flanked by two male friends who laugh at most of her jokes throughout the night. Stiky introduces herself between sips of her neon Blue Hawaii. Her male companions have whiskey bottle service, which is cheap and lacks all pretense in Thailand: A bottle is placed on the table next to a couple bottles of soda water and ice. I'm thrilled to see Jack Daniel's is their spirit of choice, but the bartender proudly announces that it's actually cheap local whiskey which he has just funneled into the American bottle. He's also done this with Johnny Walker and other fine brown liquors, if I'm interested. It's not like I care, I'm here for the company. And mutant dogs.

Stiky is thrilled to hear that I worked in advertising as she used to be a commercial actress in Bangkok. Unfortunately, her mom got ill, so Stiky quit the entertainment business and moved back home to Ayutthaya to be closer. She now serves as a local DJ ("DJ Stiky") and after bemoaning the lack of good burger options in her hometown, opened "Stiky Burger" across from Wat Ratchaburana. She shows us photos of her new menu offerings -- pork, beef, chicken, tofu burgers, which I must say looks quite scrumptious. We urge her to take us there now, but she's closed shop for the weekend due to an excessive amount of DJ gigs. It seems in music and burgercraft, Stiky is a one woman show.

More whiskey and blue curacao later flows and by 3am, Flemming and I have convinced Stiky to open her shop tomorrow especially for us. 8pm it is, by the giant Vegas-esque burger statue.

An Ode to Garlic Fried Chicked

Oh garlic fried chicken
Thoa art so finger-lickin'.
Hidden from most in Phra Ram Park,
I find you like an oasis, lost in the dessert dark.
Served al fresco, riverside,
By two Thai ladies, smiles awide.
Don't look like much,
But just one touch...
Perfectly crisp, non-greasy skin,
Don't even know how to begin.
No forks, no knives, so nice,
Utensils: merely sticky rice.
Succulent, garlicky meat,
So hard you are to beat.
So moist, like tissues post-The Notebook,
What a wonder you were to cook.
Sweet chili sauce, no need,
Thao flesh too juicy, yes indeed.
Topped with fried garlic, Buddha hears your crunch,
I sit speechless and zen-like during lunch.
I try to find you next day, but you're missing,
But in my dreams, you I will be kissing.
Garlic fried chicken.

Wat's up Doc?

Koh Phi Phi - Bangkok - Ayutthaya, 6/23/11

My trip from Koh Phi Phi to Bangkok is roughly 17 hours and includes a ferry, two buses, and numerous tuk-tuk rides, cramped with other farang. The longest ride of the evening is a "VIP bus", meaning air conditioning, bathrooms, blankets, and reclining comfortable seats. They're oddly playing Blood Diamond, where the obvious DiCaprio choice would have been The Beach in trips to and from Phi Phi. The first bus makes multiple stops, with the driver walking back and choosing people to kick off. At one of point, we stop next to six cars and two Brits are inexplicably and quickly ejected, bags pulled from the underneath storage, no questions asked.

When we arrive in Bangkok, I immediately board a train to Ayutthaya, 90 minutes north. Ayutthaya was once Thailand's flourishing capital city, but after a major attack by the Buremese in the 1700s, which left most of the city devastated, the government relocated to Bangkok. What's left of the city is about three dozen major wats (temples), spread out around the small oval city, surrounded by a moat. The temple ruins are now a UNESCO World Heritage site and the most impressive collection of temple ruins in Thailand.


Ayutthaya is a city defined by duality -- breathtaking ruins that date back to the 1200s neighbor busy streets filled with tuk-tuk traffic, 7-Elevens, bars, and happy ending massage parlors. I cross the city moat via ferry and head to Tony's Place, an open air teak hostel with goldfish ponds, hammocks, a coffee shop, restaurant, and spa. I ask for a preview and the concierge show me a spacious, clean room with white-painted walls, big windows, a queen bed, hardwood floors, and sepia photos of the ancient capital. He says its 200Baht ($6) and before I can agree, he says, "Ok, ok, just for you, 150baht [~$5]". This man is clearly a fierce negotiator.

I drop my bags and immediately rent a bike (40B = $1.30/day), the best way to see the wats. I'm biking with Alesh, a Czech who I meet on the train. He looks like a smaller, more handsome version of the giant from Big Fish and has an affinity for skyscrapers. We bike for about 8 hours, taking in as many temples as possible, stopping only briefly to eat and hydrate.

In Phra Ram Park, I see my first elephants of the trip, offering rides to older tourists to whom biking seems like some sort of torture.


We traverse up steep bridges, bike on dirt roads, busy highways, and back alleys. Wat Maha That is the closest temple to our hostel and home to Ayutthaya's most famous image, a Buddha head encased in tree roots. In addition to fauna, Buddha images and statues are everywhere, there must be tens of thousands in the city. Most are missing their heads and right arms, as the Burmese thought these body parts contained all the power of the Buddha and amputating them would weaken the Thais. At certain temples, severed Buddha heads and right arms decorate the ground like peanut shells at the circus.



















Across the street is Wat Ratchaburana, built on the site of a famous elephant duel, where two princes lost their lives and the third ascended to the throne. The wat has a large, gray domed chedi, which is sprouting green trees and bushes.







We visit the Ancient Palace and neighboring Wat Phra Si Sanphet, a series of three matching giant gray spires, each housing the burial site of a famous king.






We make a brief pit stop in the market for refreshing coconut ice cream, banana chips, and dried fish before continuing on to Wat Lokay Asetharam, which houses a massive reclining Buddha, draped in golden silk as is the ritual with almost all Buddha statues. His feet are taller than my entire body (not difficult) and despite time gone by, the statue is still almost purely white. As its the low season, almost all the other temple sites have been empty (apart from gnarled stray dogs), enabling us to enjoy private VIP tours. At the reclining Buddha, however, we meet two friendly Austrians and pause to share bananas and swap travel stories.





Alesh is postively obsessed with determining which stones are original and which are new as part of the restoration process. When he begins one of these rants, I typically nod and ponder if I threw him off the temple ledge, would he be found before Independence Day.

After stumbling upon chicken nirvana in the park, we cross the moat and visit the imposing giant white spire of Wat Phu Khao Thong, found down a hidden dirt road.



Around the corner is King Naresuan's memorial, depicting the famed Thai leader triumphantly riding his stallion. Surrounding the monument are hundreds of large and small colorful wooden rooster statues (some over 10ft), all turned upwards to exhault their master. Supposedly the ancient king loved roosters, so the wooden statues decorate the entire city. If Ayutthaya had a soccer team, it would most certainly be "The Cocks".


After getting lost for an hour due to a poorly scaled map, we stop in a rural part of town and try durian for the first time. The fruit is one of Southeast Asia's most prized foods and we're excited to sample. Even pre-cut, the tan brown fruit tempts durian virgins, "try me if you dare!" Its sharp spiked exterior resembles a porcupine and it has a scent that brings to mind socks removed after running a marathon. The stench is so strong that many hotels prohibit durian. Its aroma can be detected from about 50 meters away. For a very large fruit, it yields a surprisingly small amount of edible flesh. Once prepared, there are two yellowish-white lobes resembling kidneys and smelling like cow manure. Once I get past the smell, I actually find the fruit to be quite appealing. Its taste, color, and texture bring to mind vanilla pudding, with hints of cantaloupe, honeydew and an undercurrent of onion. I really don't know what all the fuss is about, one gets used to the smell and the flavor is very pleasant. Plus the spiked shell can be used as a weapon against those who compare your height to a girl getting Bat Mitzvahed.



Following the fruit snack, we continue our bike tour along the outside perimeter of the city. We stop at Wat Caiwatthamaram, a sprawling temple from 1630 with a huge Khmer-style dome in the center, flanked by four large and eight small stupas. The site was a former monastery and cremation center. Despite being one of Ayutthaya's premiere temples, it's still just Alesh and I visiting.





Continuing down the road, we pass by the saffron yellow St. Joseph's Church and Wat Puttai Sawan, which is protected by hissing snake statues.




Last stop is at the Portuguese Settlement, where Europeans first made camp in the capital. The site is not overly impressive, just a series of small white houses and churches. But go inside and one is surprised to find a giant open air burial chamber, with dozens of skeletons arranged in rows. They're covered in dirt and stare up at you on the balcony, waiting to come alive at the full moon. Those Portuguese sure know their linguica and ways to use the dead to scare the living daylights out of tourists. Kids frolic and laugh nearby, while the decaying bodies wait for their names to be called in the casting session of Pirates of the Caribbean 28.

We get lost for another ninety minutes until a motorcyclist offers to direct us into down. Alesh returns to Bangkok and I drop off my bike, shower, and find the nearest person who will place a large Chang in my chaffed hands. All told, we probably biked sixty miles, so I have certainly earned my green curry fried rice.