Horton Hears a Mahout

Chiang Mai, 7/3/11

One of these days the Canadian tuxedo is going to come back in style. Especially the baggy, two-tone variety with Capri pant bottoms and pockets as far as the eye can see.

Along with a straw hat, this en vogue outfit will be my getup for a day of elephant training in a farm outside Chiang Mai. I'm learning from a large group of "mahouts" or Thai elephant masters, who go through years of training to attain their position. Mahouts are considered noble stewards of an ancient art, especially as the elephant is Thailand's national animal and an endangered species.

 

 

 

My main teachers are Bowie and the head mahout, Gaga, who our guide triumphantly introduces as, "there's Lady Gaga, this is Man Gaga". Maybe so, but if he wants to be compared to Mama Monster his sartorial creativity could use some work. His t-shirt and jeans getup just isn't going to cut it if he wants to reach the edge of glory. But then again, Man Gaga tells us a story about how he was bit by a King Cobra, and then proceeded to kill and eat it. So I guess he gets a few points.

Bowie

We stop by the market early in the morning to pick up bananas and pineapple snacks and arrive at the camp to learn preliminary elephant commands. We practice the commands over and over again and learn how to work the small wooden hooked rods to navigate the elephants (typically involves tapping lightly on the head or backs). Our pachyderms are 26 and 33 years old sisters Somsi and Phai. Phai is pregnant, but you could never tell. During our initial lessons, when one of the elephants takes a bathroom break, Bowie points to the waterfall-like stream of yellow urine exclaiming, "look, Chang Beer!" He's not far off, but at roughly $2 for 40 ounces, I'm certainly not complaining.

We feed our new elephant friends our fruit market purchases plus sugar cane, which the sisters quickly crush, creating a dramatic bone-breaking sound, before asking for seconds. We learn all the ways to mount and dismount our pachyderm friends -- one such method includes a Kerri Strug-like leap onto the elephants' head. Other systems include using the elephant leg as an elevator and riding it straight to the head.

No mascara necessary

Look at those eyelashes. Must be Jewish

Somsi and Phai

Elephant wasp

Climbing the elephant

Dismounting

After lunch of watery green curry and bland sweet and sour chicken, we board our elephants for a two hour bareback hike. Post-meal, our group has been whittled down to three people, and I ride solo next to a Korean-Canadian couple celebrating their ten year anniversary. Hopefully they will both shower before renewing their vows as Eu de Elephant Dung certainly isn't an aphrodisiac.

 

Somsi shares my intense stubbornness, eating nonstop during the hike, rotating between sprinting and practically crawling. Her insatiable hunger is seriously interfering with my commands. That said, the scenery on the leisurely ride is breathtaking -- misty, grey-blue skies, endless brush-covered mountains, waterfalls, bubbling streams, thick grass below our feet, and trees that reach up to the sky.

Post-walk we bathe in the nearby river, with the twenty and thirtysomething elephant ladies shunning maturity to engage in a huge water fight. The shampoo is a local tree bark from the nearby forest which creates a naturally-forming cleansing foam. As this is an eco-tour, the bark brushes are eaten afterwards. During bath time, our elephants close their eyes, taking time to enjoy the massage. It would have been nice if they offered to reciprocate.

We continue our hike through the afternoon. At one point, Bowie chops down fresh jakfruit from the tree, which I share with Somsi. The green-spiked fruit slightly resembles durian on the outside and is filled with edible melon-like bulbs of flesh surrounded by small white and yellow strands that resemble fettucini. Somsi can't get enough and keeps raising his trunk to ask for more.

Bubble leaves

Elephant skin

Jakfruit

Our final stop of the day is at the local mud pits, where the two giants and I proceed to throw mud all over each other. Hopefully the soft silt-like mud spa will help repair my skin after all the sunburns. We enter the mud pit looking debonair in our blue denim Canadian tuxedos and leave completely brown.

"Man Gaga"

Gimmie that filet 'o sugarcane

Nomzilla

I am teared up to leave Somsi and I can tell she shares my sentiments when I disembark for the final time and she immediately goes searching for more food. Before heading back to Chiang Mai, Bowie hands me a certificate of mahout training completion, meaning I am now a qualified elephant trainer and advanced scuba diver.

Elephant Commands

• Yok Kha = Lift the leg up
• Sung = Higher
• Jhaa Long = Head down
• Norn Long = Lay down
• Look Khun = Stand up
• Bhai = Go
• Maa = Come
• Maa Phe = Come here
• Yood = Stop
• Saai = Turn left
• Khaw = Turn right
• Toy = Reverse