Shedding

A blond, a brunette, and a red head are trespassing on a farm late one evening when the farmer returns home. They all quickly disperse, finding different hiding places throughout the grounds. The brunette hides behind a large group of cows; the redhead kneels behind a gathering of pigs; the blond ducks behind a large pile of potato sacks. Hearing noises, the farmer grabs his rifle and begins searching for farm for intruders. He first enters the cow stable, shouting out "is anyone in here?", to which the brunette replies "moo". Convinced it's just cows, he moved on to the pig pen. "Is anyone in here?" he shouts, to which the redhead replies, "oink, oink". No worries, the farmer thinks, just my pigs. He finally moves to the vegetable room, where sacks of potatoes are piled high. "Is anyone in here?" the farmer calls out, to which the blond replies, "potatoes."

Hanoi, Vietnam, 7/22/11

There is more stray fake hair lying around our hotel room than a salon floor. It's all platinum blond, like gold leaf decorating the linoleum tile underneath. It's on the counters, in the bathroom, hidden throughout my bed, clogging the drain. It looks like Cousin It's whole family went on vacation and went Charlie Sheen on the room. There is so much faux hair in the brushes lying around that it wouldn't be a stretch to think of the room as a special facility for grooming purebred golden retrievers.


We've been following the same route for weeks -- shimmied down the Vang Vieng slide together, cruised down the Mekong River for two days on the same slowboat, and partied together like felons in Chiang Mai. However, we had never officially met until I introduce myself when we land in Vientiane's airport.

Harriet, Lauren, and Becky are three early twentysomethings from Hallifax, England. They are all quite beautiful with long, striking radiant blond hair. Although it's absurd that they've brought duffel bags on a backpacking trip that requires endless ascents up stairs, buses, and ferries, it's even more ridiculous that they've brought enough fake hair extensions between them to clog an Olympic-sized pool.

Harriet is the tallest of the three and, despite being Caucasian, is actively trying to make a transformation. Currently, she has reached Native American classification. Part of Harriet's height is due to her enormous Snookie-like poof, which towers a foot over her head like a golden chinchilla. It's easily viewable above chairbacks and can even be seen from Google Earth. Becky is my height and possesses Harriet's same affinity for fake hair. She has a bubbly personality and the ability to drink vodka like water. Becky insists on arching her back, bending her knees, and contorting her arm into some uncomfortable position in each and every photo, no matter how candid. Her Facebook profile page looks like one image was cropped and photoshopped over 1,000 different backgrounds. She really should lay off those Britain's Top Model marathons. Lauren is the only naturally-coiffed of the trifecta, with strawberry blond hair and limitless freckles like stars at night. She speaks in a long, slow drawl and I have decided that her family must have migrated to England from rural Mississippi. Her drawl makes trivial sentences like, "I'm allergic to vodka yet still drink it" seem of the utmost importance.

Together, Lauren, Harriet, and Becky are like a hilarious untaped sitcom. Nearly everything they utter is pure comic gold. Some gems:
-"Other than the Indian and Pacific Ocean, are there any others? Are they all connected?"
-"How can anyone not like summer? It's the best season. [What's the best part?] I mean, you don't even need to pick out a matching jacket to wear with your outfit!"
-[Upon learning one of the rides at the water park is named "The Tsunami"]: "That ride must be new as the tsunami just happened in Japan"

The four of us are fast friends by the time the plane lands in Hanoi and journey into Vietnam together.